Or am about to…
Most people seem happy to collect as many Facebook “friends” as possible. Maybe it’s because with more people in one’s cue, there are more posts and a greater chance that someone might actually post something interesting or amusing or entertaining. But I’m not like that. I enjoy the posts from people who really are friends or family, or people that I really like and/or admire. But as it is, there are a lot of people on my Facebook “friend” list with whom I have very little of any significance in common, or who I just find boring or annoying or stupid or all of the above, so I’m thinking of cleaning my Facebook “house” and am taking an inventory of the dead wood.
Reasons why I unfriended you on Facebook (or am about to):
- You are a narcissist, and not a very interesting narcissist. You regularly post photos of yourself with the deluded notion that you are so wonderful and so beautiful and so special that everyone is thrilled to have yet another opportunity to gaze upon the wonder that is you. Your photos are not of you having sex, or naked or doing anything interesting, and you’re really not that special, except perhaps for the curiously impenetrable quality of your self-centered, entitled delusion. You have persuaded some to join, and in some cases even finance your cult of preciousness, but I’m not buying.
- Your head is up your ass. Which means you are constantly feeding on your own nasty shit and seem to believe that everyone else is thrilled to join you at the buffet to empathize with your emotional roller coaster ride. You’re feeling bad, you’re feeling sad, you’re feeling happy. Nobody cares, and if you really can’t get through the day without posting every variety of your emotional flatulence, please see #4.
- You think your posts are profound and soulful, but they’re really just vapid ass gas, likely a direct result of having your head stuck up your anus 24/7.
- You’re way too aggressive. And that’s scary. Calm the fuck down! If you were a dog you’d be barking, growling and biting people all the time and have to be put down, but since you’re a precious, scary human I’ll just have to unfriend you.
- You are mentally/emotionally ill, and the display of your illness, apparent in many of your posts is unsettling. Sure, everyone is a little nuts in some way, but you really need to get your head out of your butt and get some professional help. Seriously- you creep me out!
- I don’t know you, and except that we’re both members of toad lickers anonymous, we have nothing in common and you never post anything interesting.
- You never post anything. You’re obviously just a voyeur who enjoys watching the rest of us make fools of ourselves. You’re far too special, important and busy to post anything embarrassing about yourself. Or maybe you’ve blocked me. Fuck you! You don’t get to see mine unless I get to see yours.
- You’re dead, and I’m sorry that you’re dead, but this is Facebook, not a memorial mausoleum. It’s just a little too creepy.
- You’re a politically right-wing, conservative, racist, homophobic, tea-bagging moron, or any of the above. You’re one of those people whose beliefs are not based on fact or reason, but on what you want to believe in order to protect your nasty fears and prejudices and hatred from being exposed.
- You have two Facebook pages! Seriously- two pages with the same name and the same you! We’re not talking about a secret 2nd Facebook page under an assumed name so you can show pictures of your ass without your family seeing them. Sorry, but you only get one, and you can only be my friend once, so one of you has to go.
- You are a secret Facebook Stalker and I would unfriend you if you actually had your own Facebook account. But you’re far too special for that, so you just use other people’s Facebook accounts to spy on me. You’re a coward- get a life and get your own Facebook account because Facebook is where life begins and ends. If it’s not on Facebook, it probably didn’t actually happen.